BDSM Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft

Limits are a topic that is sure to come up in any Dom/sub relationship or contract negotiation. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared as a Dominant or submissive. But what exactly is the difference between hard and soft limits? Here, we’ll define what limits can mean for you, and I’ll even give you a list of examples.

Why have limits in BDSM?

Having limits while engaging in BDSM allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.  They never have to be afraid that their Dom is going to do something they don’t want, or will hurt them physically or mentally.  They can give up all control, and be free from making the decisions.

Dominants benefit from set rules also because it takes the guess-work out of what their sub will and won’t do. Therefore, both individuals will be able to completely let go, and fully enjoy living the lifestyle.

There are two kinds of limits: soft vs hard

Examples of Soft

These are things that the sub may be interested in but is hesitant about exploring.  You cannot assume that just because someone has agreed to be a submissive that they are OK with everything.

The boundaries of soft limits are flexible as the Dom sees fit and the submissive agrees to push and expand slowly.  However, once something has been decided upon (hopefully in a contract) it can be freely asked or demanded.  Get your free Dom/sub contract here.

A list of examples are:

• Oral sex
• Swallowing semen
• Nipple clamps
• Spanking
• Flogging
• Being blindfolded
• Butt plugs
• Gagging
• Wax play
• Bondage with tape

Another soft limit is the sub’s tolerance of receiving pain, which can be worked up slowly and with consent.  Light bruises might be acceptable and tolerable, but permanent scars or marks may not be. Always discuss what types of pain, punishments, and discipline are allowed, and the intensity and severity of each.

Examples of Hard

Both parties need to specify what they won’t do, and respect it.  Here is a list of examples:

• Choking
• Anal sex
• Electro play
• Fisting
• Needles
• Suspension bondage
• Whipping
• Caning
• Fire play
• Blood/urine/feces

Doms can have boundaries too.  The point is, no one should be pressured to do something that they are uncomfortable with.

Limits can change over time, and some can be more fluid than others.  For example, a sub may only be comfortable with something like rimming on some occasions, but their Dom has to ask first. And sometimes boundaries can soften in the presence of alcohol (which is why BDSM shouldn’t be engaged in while players are intoxicated).

But no matter what, the Dom should always make sure the sub is really willing and is giving their full consent.

Dom/sub requirement limits

Requirements are not always talked about online when discussing the subject of limits, but they deserve to be mentioned. These would be things that a partner has to have. It could be, “I need you to pull my hair when we have sex in doggie style.”  Or, “If a punishment makes me cry, good aftercare is a must.”  Get your free aftercare checklist here.

Remember: Safewords can help establish limits too. If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with, and to help them grow.

How to discover your list of BDSM limits

If you’re new to BDSM or don’t have a lot of sexual or kink experience, it can be hard to figure out what your limits even are. But you should still take the time to meditate on what you think you like and don’t like.

Here is a list of my recommended ways for discovering your limits:

• Research different kinks and sexual acts online
• Watch other Doms and subs play at dungeons and play parties
• Talk to someone you trust who is active in the lifestyle
• Fantasize about engaging in different BDSM practices
• Experience the kink on your own (for example: self bondage)

Caution should be made if someone offers to help you “explore” and “learn” your limits. That can be a red flag. Usually those that are truly experienced in the lifestyle take their time to slowly get to know someone who is brand new. Only then and after lots of educating and communicating, will they play with someone inexperienced.

What to do if limits or your contract isn’t respected

If boundaries aren’t respected, it really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Sometimes for a seemingly minor offense, the Dom could be warned never to do it again. But for more major breaches of trust, a submissive always has the power to terminate the relationship.  And it’s always a good idea to discuss beforehand the consequences of breaking a contract.

So as you can see, limits are for the benefit of everyone involved, and are in no way restrictive.  To make it easier for you, try creating a list, either by yourself or with your partner.  Ultimately this will bring more pleasure and trust to the relationship.

What are your thoughts? Share your hard and soft limits list below.

Read more about etiquette in the lifestyle »