For years, I felt like there was this persistent fog around my brain. If I could just try a little harder. If I could train my mind and focus a little more. I could do so much. I could be the best version of myself. If. The list was endless. Turns out, it wasn’t me, it was my brain. I had ADHD, I just didn’t know it yet. I’ve been on this journey for many years now, so maybe it’s time to talk about it. Maybe my story will help someone a little bit.
The backstory
I realize this first backstory part is like those recipe sites that tell you a story and then give you the recipe. If you are reading this and don’t really care about how I figured out I had ADHD, then skip to the “How my life is now” part. (^_^)
As a disabled military veteran with an honorable discharge, I have access to care from VA hospitals. They are understaffed and forever don’t have enough budget, but they do try. My frustration was being consistently diagnosed with depression, when I knew I did not have depression. I had just experienced some really bad things. But they insisted, and gave me medication. I thought that maybe I was just unwilling to accept that the bad things that had happened to me had somehow created my depressed self, and that maybe I should listen to them. So I tried the medication and the therapy. The therapy helped a little bit, but it was still focused on just how depressed I was. Thing is, I hated the medications. I hated what they did to me. They didn’t manage my “depression” but turned me into a zombified version of myself. It almost felt like…I didn’t exist anymore. My body did, but my persona did not, if that makes sense? It was really weird.
Now here’s the thing, I have had a really strange life and perhaps one might say, more than my share of really terrible things happening to a person. It took many years just to talk through those things, which included things like almost dying that one time. There’s a lot of talk therapy that goes into working through bad things that happen to you. There’s also different kinds of depression; there’s situational depression, where you’re genuinely experiencing depression because something bad happened. There’s also the kind of depression where your brain doesn’t work properly and you are in a state of being depressed forever (and need medication forever). So I get the idea that because so many bad things happened, and because I had a PTSD and anxiety diagnosis, depression would just make sense. But they didn’t ever consider anything else, and I grew increasingly distressed that this would be how the rest of my life went.
There was something in me, though, that was tiny-but-determined that this was not how it should be. That this could not be my life. That I would muster whatever fortitude I had to fight for myself. I didn’t want to turn all of my emotions off, but I did want to be stable. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I always do when I don’t know what to do yet. I read. I research in books. The books suggested that I could look for something I’d never heard of: a neuropsychiatrist. This was a different kind of doctor to me, and the description gave me a little sense of hope. I started looking around at mental health professionals where I lived, and discovered that there was a practice nearby and they had a neuropsychiatrist there. I thought this would at least help me get a second opinion, at the very least. So, I made an appointment.
It would turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
After my initial intake, which really was a doctor asking me loads of questions, she looked at me and said, “Well, you either have depression or you have ADHD, and after talking with you for this long, I can’t tell. So we’re going to try something.”
What she proposed was that we would determine whether or not I had ADHD with a test. First, I would take a test that was similar to an IQ test. Then, I would take a dose of ADHD medications and go for a walk, read some magazines, just give time for the dose to kick in. Finally, I would re-take a test, and she would compare the results. (In hindsight, IT SEEMS SO LOGICAL to do it this way! Why isn’t this just the default??)
I can still remember what it felt like after the medication started working, and taking that second test. My brain just worked. The fog was gone! When the doctor came back into the room, she looked at me and said, “you look like a completely different person.” I still can feel the smile I had on my face. I felt the smile with my whole self. I think I cried with happiness when she added, “it’s nice to meet you.”
Changes
From then on, my life changed in many ways. Some expected, some unexpected.
The thing about ADHD is that your brain just doesn’t have the right executive functioning it needs to help you organize the stuff you need to do, in a way that makes sure it gets done.
There’s a lot of snake oil on the internet about what ADHD is and whatever, so I will say that if you think you have symptoms then talk to your doctor (and maybe get a second opinion) and don’t pay attention to social media reels that try to tell you what is wrong with you or any of that. Not all women who have ADHD also have autism. Promise. Figure this out with a good doctor.
I will say, though, it’s not because you’re not disciplined enough. Fuck that and fuck anyone who says that, if you’ll pardon my french.
Expected changes
I was working at a University at the time and had a fantastic manager who gave me the room to do useful things that would eventually change my career path to being a software engineer full time. (Really, Robin, if you’re reading this…thank you. Thank you for giving me the room to become the person I was meant to be.) Within a year, I learned two programming languages and my fledgling web developer skills took flight. I started writing custom applications in PHP (not my choice but leave PHP alone, it’s fine) and taught myself how to manage servers. I took a class on how to write APIs in Node (super fun!). I got involved in the technology group there and started learning about accessibility.
I was also able to get my life more in order. Categories made sense. I could make a todo list and finish it. I applied for a role as a programmer and was accepted.
Unexpected changes
Of course, other things changed too. My brain was finally free to think…but people kept interrupting me! There was a while there when I was really a jerk to other humans due to my impatience and newly-discovered ability to hyperfocus. I was so impatient to finally use my brain that my tolerance for anything else was nearly eliminated. My now husband was my boyfriend at the time and he finally told me that I missed the kind version of me, and could I find a way to bring her back? Ooomph. That was hard to hear but I realized he was right. I had to improve myself there. It took about a year…maybe a little more? but I was able to be energetic, smart, and also thoughtful. I am grateful that I was loved enough to be reminded that I still had to co-exist with others in this world.
Be on purpose. That became my mantra.
There’s also the kind of acceptance that comes with needing to understand that while your brain works now, and your life has drastically improved, there’s no superpower to bring back the time that you might feel like you lost. There’s no catching up. The meds and the routines help you in your journey to be your best self, but starting today. That took me a while to come to terms with. I struggled with it a lot. I raged and cried against the unfairness of it all. But I realized that there’s a part of me that will always be sad, because every bad thing that has happened in my life left a scar. I came to accept it, to welcome the unwelcome. I learned to start where I was and accept myself for who I am, the brilliant bits AND the broken bits.
I figure I’m about ten years “behind” in life, from where either I think I should be or where I observe others of my age to be. That hurts some days, but most days I am okay with it.
How my life is now
AKA, what I have been doing to cope with this for all of these years.
Rituals, Rules and Routines. This is my life. Well, TBH we say this is how we live but I don’t really know what’s a ritual or a rule or a routine. But I feel like what we have set up pretty much falls in one of these categories. Plus it sounds cool.
Alarms
I set alarms on my phone for everything. If I don’t set an alarm, I won’t remember. So I set an alarm. I even have an alarm that says, “no really you have to go to bed now” because if I didn’t, I’d stay up really late because hyperfocusing is a thing.
My husband and I see the same therapist, but not at the same time. The best advice he has given us was that we should accept that we like to hyperfocus on our work, but figure out how to stay connected to each other. His tip was that each of us should set an alarm for a specific time of day, and NO MATTER WHAT we were each doing, we would stop and say “I love you” to each other. Connect. This has been FANTASTIC advice and really works quite well for us.
Family comms
I use a Discord server to run my home. Well, I should say, my husband and I use a Discord server to run our home, because it really is both of us doing this. Anyway, here are some of the useful channels we have:
- general (this is mostly where we
@ our son to tell him that his dinner is ready, lol)
- logistics (what groceries do we need? are there packages to send? pick up?)
- timers-and-trackers (when did we last do a thing? is it time to trim the cat’s claws?)
- daily-work (we share what we each have going on, so we can be respectful of each other’s time)
- senior-year-of-hs (to share/coordinate on things for our son)
- travel (this is where we post screenshots of reservations and plan itineraries for trips)
- programming (we are both programmers, we ask each other questions and share interesting things)
Rule: don’t mention that something needs doing to your spouse without logging it into the logistics channel.
Self-checks
“What time is it?” As I grow older, I crash pretty hard when my meds wear off. Most days I am just a space case so I do low-energy things like laundry or dusting. Some days, though, I get really existential. Why am I alive? What am I doing? Why am I failing? Why don’t I have the career I’ve been trying to have? If I am feeling particularly existential, my husband looks at me and asks me, “what time is it?” That is all he says. We figured out that when I am in this state, I am probably up later than I need to be and just need to go to bed.
“Can I get a reset?” This one is for both of us. When it’s been a long day and we’re really mentally and sometimes emotionally drained from work, we’ll get snippy with eachother and say things that maybe we didn’t actually mean to say. We have pledged to each other that if either of us says this specific phrase, we will genuinely try to re-start and try again. It works for the most part, and has been a useful thing in our relationship toolkit.
“Deep bubble” Because we are both prone to hyperfocus, sometimes we might not hear what the other person is saying to us. We have agreed on the phrase “deep bubble” to mean, “please stop what you’re doing, and look me in the eyes; I have something important to say.” Gosh this one works really well, too, but it only works because it’s really the equivalent of “doing a solid” and if we learned anything from all those years our son was into the Regular Show, it’s that you don’t abuse the power of the solid.
It mostly works
This all mostly works. I have some other things that help me, but honestly some of me is just messy and I have come to accept both that facet of my personality and also the part of me that will always aspire to someday not have as many messy parts.
Until next time. -M
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